Just Sweat and Tears
I started with an intention of Be Your Own Best Friend. What would one of your own best friends tell you right now?
Standing in tadasana, my hands wanted to make a mudra.
My mind and fingers went from a mudra I knew to something that appeared to be a gang sign and when I let go of judgments around doing it right, my peace fingers folded inward and it was going to be the peace mudra for me. I started to think of peace in the world, which led me to the suffering in the world, which led me to think of the suffering of others I know, which led me to think of suffering inside myself and how I was feeling that day.
I knew how much I needed to get on my mat that day. I needed to get out of my head. All of the story lines I had built up in there all morning were causing me stress and negative emotions. As I stood there I felt a bursting of emotions coming from inside. At first, I resisted. Where they were coming from? Who was watching? Nobody! My chest and shoulders shook as I resisted. I felt wetness in my eyes, tears started to flow down my face. All of these emotions and stress I had built up that day came out.
I was freed from all of those feelings. I stood there. The shaking slowed, and the tears flowed. I felt an amazing opening and release that I hadn’t felt in a long time. I certainly hadn’t let it happen in a long time. I took a deep breath. I exhaled. Now that was actually what I needed.
When I laid down on my mat at the beginning of my practice, I said to myself, “What are you doing, your mind is going everywhere but here. Get on your mat, roll the dice and see what happens.” I stuck with it and this is what happened. What a great surprise. I stood still, U2’s “Hawkmoon 269” played as the tears rolled out. After receiving all of that, I folded forward (uttanasana). I paused there and then sat down into chair and floated my torso upward, making a bicep curl motion with my arms.
Sweat and tears combined. They dripped down off of my chin and onto my pants and mat. I thought “that’s my sweat and tears”. I sat and was infused with inner strength. I thought to myself, “I am my rock! I am my best friend. I need to become my best friend. I am what I am what I need right now. I am who I need right now. I am who I need to talk to right now.” All of this crap I was thinking was coming from inside, it didn’t have a basis or truth. I had to be the rock.
If I would tell my best friends the thoughts running through my head, they would think I was crazy. They would say, “dude, come back to reality.” I can’t stop my mind from thinking the way it does, but what I can do is not let these thoughts affect me. I had another emotional moment during my practice most likely due to another emotional song by Sammy Hagar – “Give to Live” and I think I was reflecting on what had happened in tadasana. I was in a wide legged forward fold and I felt the tears coming again. As they fell, I saw them falling from my eyes as I lifted my torso to a halfway lift. It was cool and I had already cried so the second time I had a little more consciousness to it than before in tadasana with only emotions.
I am writing this not to share one of my yoga experiences with you, but more of a revelation or reminder to myself that I am my best friend. I want to also remind you that you are your best friend. You are your rock. Give yourself a hug. Get on your mat. That is what I found on my yoga mat today and that is what I hope for you to find on your yoga mat when you need to find it. Keep hope alive!
Peace, Yogi Troy