Sweat and Tears
As I started my practice on this day, I started with an intention of Be Your Own Best Friend. What would one of your own best friends tell you right now?
Standing in tadasana, my hands naturally wanted to make a mudra.
My mind and fingers went from a mudra that I knew to something that appeared to be a gang sign and when I let go of judgments around doing it right, my peace fingers folded inward and decided it was going to be the peace mudra for me. I started to think of peace in the world, which led me to the suffering in the world, which led me to think of the suffering of others I know, which led me to think of suffering inside myself and how I was feeling that day.
I knew how much I needed to get on my mat that day. I needed to get out of my head. All of the story lines I had built up in there all morning were causing me stress and negative emotions. As I stood there I felt a bursting of emotions coming from inside. At first, I resisted. Where they were coming from? Who was watching? Nobody! My chest and shoulders shook as I resisted. I felt wetness in my eyes, tears started to flow down my face. All of these emotions and stress I had built up that day came out.
I was freed from all of those feelings. I stood there. The shaking slowed, and the tears flowed. I felt an amazing opening and release that I hadn’t felt in a long time. I certainly hadn’t let it happen in a long time. I took a deep breath. I exhaled. Now that was actually what I needed.
When I laid down on my mat at the beginning of my practice, I said to myself, what are you doing, your mind is going everywhere but here. I told myself, like I told the students in the last yoga teacher training I directed…”Get on your mat, roll the dice and see what happens.” So I stuck with it and this is what happened. What a great surprise. J I stood there for a while, I remember that U2’s ‘Hawkmoon 269 was playing as the tears kept rolling out. After receiving all of that, I folded forward (uttanasana). I paused there and then sat down into chair and floated my torso upward, making a bicep curl motion with my arms I could see sweat and tears combined dripping down off of my chin and onto my pants and mat. The cliché or whatever hit me there as I thought “that’s my sweat and tears”, as I continued to sit in chair I had this overwhelming feeling of inner strength. I thought to myself. I am my rock! I am my best friend. I need to become my best friend. I am what I need right now. I am who I need right now. I am who I need to talk to right now. All of this crap I was thinking was coming from inside and didn’t have a basis or truth. I had to be the rock. If I would tell others about the thoughts running through my head they would think I was crazy and be like….dude, come back to reality. I can’t stop my mind from thinking the way it does, but what I can do is try to control how these thoughts affect me. I had another emotional moment during my practice most likely due to another emotional song by Sammy Hagar – Give to Live and I think I was reflecting on what had happened in tadasana. I was in a wide legged forward fold and I could feel the tears coming again and as they fell, I could see them actually falling from my eyes as I lifted my torso to a halfway lift. It was cool and I had already cried so the second time I had a little more consciousness to it than before in tadasana with only emotions.
So I am writing this not to share one of my yoga experiences with you, but more of a revelation or reminder to myself that I am my best friend and I wanted to remind you that you are your best friend. You are your rock. Give yourself a hug. Get on your mat. That is what I found on my yoga mat today and that is what I hope for you to find on your yoga mat when you need to find it. Keep hope alive!
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Thank you for reading.
Peace, Love and Namastes,